have you guys heard the new mcdonalds’ radio campaign? in a nutshell, it’s a guy talking about drinking fancy coffee and turning into some horrifying person who *gasp* wears turtlenecks, watches french films, listens to indie rock, and stops taking showers. lucky for him, he discovers mcdonalds’ new line of coffee and elevates back to being awesome, which entails watching football, wearing khakis, and hi-fiving.

i’ll just give you a minute to let that sink in.

way to go mickey d’s, you’ve successfully turned that poor lost soul into a douchebag again. what a close call that was! i mean, french films? that sure as hell ain’t american! more like FREEDOM films, amirite?

die.

i get it. you want to pander to the lowest common denominator b/c that’s your human hierarchal equivalent, but i can’t take this shit. it’s like watching the movie idiocracy play out in real life.

to the guy in the ad: i fucking hate you so much. i’d flip out and threaten to cut your throat, but whatever. you eat at mcdonalds, so you’ll probably die soon anyway.

i’m just going to go ahead and lay blame where it belongs here: toby keith.

scene 1: “hey, jenny! my daughter susie plays softball with amber, remember? how are you? aww, that’s great. hey, can i help you with those groceries…”

scene 2: RAPERAPERAPE.

not so cute now, is it, jenny?

you know what isn’t going to win you points towards that parent of the year award? when creepy guy watches you drop ol benny boy off at band practice, then waits around in his windowless van until he can strike up a conversation about how he works at the vet clinic where you bring fido and plays tennis with dad.

so now you’ve been raped and your child is missing. all b/c you wanted to fit in with the other soccer moms. john will never forgive you for this, jenny. and now he’s going to leave you. he’ll fight for custody, you know, and he’ll win b/c you’re such a mess these days.

did you even remember to feed fido today, jenny, or were you too hopped up on xanax and self pity? your friends at yoga all talk behind your back. they know. come to think of it, when’s the last time you even took joe for a stroll around town? what kind of mother are you?

i hope you’re happy, jenny.

i’m trying to buy memory right now to upgrade my mbp, and i keep seeing reviews with less than five stars. like any good consumer, i like to read the pros and cons to see what issues each person had before i spend my money. one brand had like three goddamn stars, but all the pros were “best memory ever!” well, whatever could the cons be? i’ll tell you. they said mindblowing shit like “shipping took longer than i expected” and “packaging wasn’t as nice as i had hoped for”.

that’s not a con, asshole. you can’t score a product lower because amazon takes it’s sweet time getting it to you. you’re fucking up the rating, which means people like me have to dig through reviews to realize that there’s nothing wrong with it in the first place, which takes up valuable time that i could be spending doing my job. maybe i work in a hospital. in the emergency baby ward. and babies are dying because you had to be a whiny dick and bitch about retarded shit that’s unrelated to the product itself. i hope you’re proud of yourself.

fyi, you know what magical thing they have in online stores now? overnight shipping. cheap bastard.

another thing you can’t list as a con is a feature that didn’t come standard. let me explain. i was reading reviews on a laptop. people kept saying “doesn’t do 1280 resolution” under cons. oh, really? you motherfucking bought a laptop that says it will only do 1024 resolution, and you’re going to say it’s a flaw in the product that it won’t do any higher? you can’t buy a car that doesn’t have a cd player and then whine that the car isn’t performing like you expected because it won’t play your cds. ugh.

one time, last year, i was looking at external hard drives. multiple people listed “it gets hot” under cons. what the fuck? of course it gets hot, dipshit. it’s a hard drive. someone — i swear that this is 100% true — put the following as a con: “it stops working if you drop it.”

really? kill yourself.

if you really wanted to stop smoking or start working out, you’d have done it already. what sort of weak minded bastard puts off doing something they really want/need to do for another few weeks/months because that’s the special day that everyone else is making failed promises to themselves? is it because, deep down, you think you’ll look like less of a failure come march, when everyone else has fallen off the resolution wagon, too?

do you want to know who follows through on things? people who shut the fuck up and just do it.

you know what my new years resolution is? to remind you that, one year from now, you’ll still be all of the following: smoking, fat, and drowning in credit card debt. happy new year, fuckers.

no.

it was carob. and i didn’t know any difference b/c all you see when you’re a kid is a big, tasty, chocolate easter bunny that wants to get eated. the problem is, carob is fucking gross. i kept trying to take another bite every few hours, each time managing to almost convince myself that i’d warm up to it. i still, to this day, can’t get that taste out of my mind.

i know someone is going to read this and think, “hey! i feed carob bunnies to my kids! i don’t see any problem with that.”

jerks.

there is only one proper use of carob. it’s called sixlets.

talking about this just reminded me of the time my grammy was making treats and tricked me into eating a spoonful of powdered baking cocoa. what an asshole.

i can’t excape the fact that i’d expecially like some expresso, excetera.

what the hell is wrong with you? i know you hang out at either a) starbucks or b) that trendy non corporate coffee shop, so how are you missing the fact that espresso is written all over the place with an “s” and not an “x”? you’re pissing off the people taking your order, too, by the way.

“well, hur hur, i like my drink order to arrive really fast, so i say expresso b/c it’s like express + espresso, see?”

no. fuck you.

it’s not mayhaps. it’s mayhap. look it up. either way, it doesn’t make you sound fancy and/or british. you sound like a pretentious tool at a ren fair.