i hate people who give negative reviews and ratings on sites like newegg for bullshit reasons.

i’m trying to buy memory right now to upgrade my mbp, and i keep seeing reviews with less than five stars. like any good consumer, i like to read the pros and cons to see what issues each person had before i spend my money. one brand had like three goddamn stars, but all the pros were “best memory ever!” well, whatever could the cons be? i’ll tell you. they said mindblowing shit like “shipping took longer than i expected” and “packaging wasn’t as nice as i had hoped for”.

that’s not a con, asshole. you can’t score a product lower because amazon takes it’s sweet time getting it to you. you’re fucking up the rating, which means people like me have to dig through reviews to realize that there’s nothing wrong with it in the first place, which takes up valuable time that i could be spending doing my job. maybe i work in a hospital. in the emergency baby ward. and babies are dying because you had to be a whiny dick and bitch about retarded shit that’s unrelated to the product itself. i hope you’re proud of yourself.

fyi, you know what magical thing they have in online stores now? overnight shipping. cheap bastard.

another thing you can’t list as a con is a feature that didn’t come standard. let me explain. i was reading reviews on a laptop. people kept saying “doesn’t do 1280 resolution” under cons. oh, really? you motherfucking bought a laptop that says it will only do 1024 resolution, and you’re going to say it’s a flaw in the product that it won’t do any higher? you can’t buy a car that doesn’t have a cd player and then whine that the car isn’t performing like you expected because it won’t play your cds. ugh.

one time, last year, i was looking at external hard drives. multiple people listed “it gets hot” under cons. what the fuck? of course it gets hot, dipshit. it’s a hard drive. someone — i swear that this is 100% true — put the following as a con: “it stops working if you drop it.”

really? kill yourself.

no. i don’t want to hear about your new year’s resolution.

if you really wanted to stop smoking or start working out, you’d have done it already. what sort of weak minded bastard puts off doing something they really want/need to do for another few weeks/months because that’s the special day that everyone else is making failed promises to themselves? is it because, deep down, you think you’ll look like less of a failure come march, when everyone else has fallen off the resolution wagon, too?

do you want to know who follows through on things? people who shut the fuck up and just do it.

you know what my new years resolution is? to remind you that, one year from now, you’ll still be all of the following: smoking, fat, and drowning in credit card debt. happy new year, fuckers.